


Not Today

by laschatzi



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Behind the Scenes, CS movie, F/M, Ficlet, Season 3 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 16:31:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20177341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laschatzi/pseuds/laschatzi
Summary: Killian's state of mind right before he follows Emma through the portal in 3x21





	Not Today

“One of these days I’m gonna stop chasing this woman!”

He growls the words, presses them through clenched teeth, as he watches his feet dangling precariously over the swirling vortex of the portal Emma was sucked into just moments before. Emma Swan, the most exasperating woman he’s ever met in whole life - and he met a bloody  _ lot _ . Unfortunately, she’s also the woman he’s hopelessly in love with.

Right now, though, he’s angry - more than angry, he’s furious.

He doesn’t know why he even still bothers following her around (in his heart, though, he  _ knows _ ), when she has made it so abundantly clear times and times again that she doesn’t need him, doesn’t want him. Ridiculous the lengths she goes to keep him at distance - anything is a welcome excuse to avoid talking about the subject that she’s running away  _ again _ , from her family, her feelings - from who she  _ is _ .

An unknown, unpredictable force, remnants of an evil witch defeated by a hair’s breadth, opens a portal - and Emma Swan, no magic, no plan, and no backup except him, plunges headfirst into danger, because apparently anything is better than having a serious conversation with him about her feelings and the truth behind them.

He tried to hold her back, to make her think clear before acting, but did she listen to him? Of  _ fucking  _ course not, she  _ never  _ listens (and maybe he even loves her for it), she had to have it her way, as always. Now, he has no problems following her lead, but sometimes she just lets her judgement cloud by her feelings - or her stubborn struggle to suppress them. Jump from one battle into the next, just to avoid to actual  _ deal  _ with her issues.

Aye, an  _ issue _ . That’s what he is for her: her feelings for him (because he’s quite sure she has them) are torturing her, because she  _ still  _ thinks she’s better off alone. Because she  _ still  _ thinks letting people come close - her friends, her family,  _ him  _ \- will inevitably end in pain and being abandoned by the side of the road. That’s why she refuses to acknowledge that Storybrooke, this miserable patch of dirt he’s come to care about, is her home - because you can’t lose what you don’t have. How convenient.

He’s tried countless times to show her that he has no intention of ever letting her down, he’s always had her back, even if she didn’t know, and honestly, his hope that she finally realizes it dwindles with every barb she throws his way, with every time she avoids him or turns her back on him. It would certainly be painful and leave him with a huge void to give up, but it would also be better for his sanity to finally accept it, to stop reaching for the unapproachable: the heart of Emma Swan, the one he promised to win.

He should just let it go, let  _ her  _ go.

She desperately held on to his hand, to his sleeve, but didn’t stand a chance against the sheer, brutal force of the magic pulling at her, and now she’s gone, leaving absolutely no clue to her whereabouts. For her, he went back into the dark heart of his biggest nightmare and faced one of his former oppressors again. He gave up his home to follow her into the Land Without Magic, a frightening place, to bring her home - to a home she insists she doesn’t want. Just like him. It really seems that all his endeavors have been useless, and why should anything about that ever change? Sometimes, he’s just fucking  _ tired _ . He should let go.

He knows in his heart, though, that  _ this  _ endeavor - letting go of Emma Swan - is the most useless of them all.

He likes to think that he has a choice, that he would  _ not  _ follow her blindly to the end of the world, even if she never stops running.

He tells himself that one of these days he’s gonna do it, he’s indeed gonna stop chasing this woman.

With a forceful move and an inward curse, he frees his hook from the dirt he’s secured into and slides right into the swirling abyss.

Today is not that day.


End file.
